Feedback people! Feedback! Otherwise I am on my own here!!!

I'm such a nosey parker. I just want to know everything. I look at buildings and think, 'I want to go in and look around'. I love pushing my luck with people and asking them stuff. Today I peered into a hole in the ground that had some grating over it. I discovered it was a well. Apparently a 900 Arabic year old 'pozo', according to the plaque next to it. Amazingly it is still in use and irrigates the land here.

Since the quarantine started way back in the middle of March I have left the house about five times. My agorophobia has come back and my hand washing and fear of germs. If I had the money I would quite happily become a recluse. It is a regret that the government didn't furlough me as I would have been great at staying at home doing feck all. Just pass me that opium pipe!! Today I went out to meet a friend in a cafe and well, what can I say? First H prevented me from going out dressed along the lines of Howard Hughes with tissue boxes on my feet and other peculiar sartorial splendor. In the end I settled on some plastic gloves I knicked from the local supermarket and clothes I am willing to burn on return. What should have been a pleasant experience instead left me frazzled and fearful something undesirable would happen. In the space of an hour I managed to get accosted by a madman for money I no longer carry and then I got caught up in a demonstration of sorts in the main square led by the people who welcome refugees who were then interrupted by the lamest of far right protestors. There were about fifteen of them, the far right, and they looked like they were having a great time banging saucepans furiously. You know, talentless, no sense of rhythm but will do anything to get noticed. Trying to drown put any decent conversation the rest of us were having. Jealous probably. Wrapped in flags if you please. I suppose in case they forgot what nationality they were. Judging on their unhealthy vibe and that general ugliness the far right can never shake off, I doubt they would have been able to take anyone on if a fight or beauty contest broke out. There we were, the foreigners, the ones they think shouldn't be here. Romanians, Moroccans, Latin Americans, Chinese and me, all looking on bemused. Remember not that long ago they were telling us we would all come out of this lockdown as better people? Well it didn't take that long did it? Nothing has changed people, nothing has changed!! 

Remember that time I almost got arrested and my head kicked in for turning up at a far right rally dressed in a burka with a big, 'I Love Vox' placard. It doesn't take much does it? Well Mr V is now warning me not to go to tomorrow's with any of my 'funny' ideas. 

SHIT FOR BRAINS

Years ago I had one of those derailments typical of one's youth where I found myself not at the desired destination of a nightclub but inside what can only be described as a barn waiting to see a band called Gong. The place was packed and I really didn't want to be there and once Gong began to play I sat down and started grimacing till a friend leant over and asked if I could see. 'I've seen it all before', I replied, and indeed I thought I had till today when I saw with those same eyes a middle aged man, sweater ceremoniously draped over his shoulders, loudhailer stuck to his gob demanding the government of the day hands its notice in. All while sitting in a chauffeur driven convertible Mercedes during a pandemic. The entries for the Darwin awards are far exceeding the normal standards of idiocy and derangement these days.

DARWIN AWARD GOES TO......

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honouring those who accidentally or perhaps in this case willingly remove themselves from it in a spectacular fashion, has to go to the residents of the Salamanca neighbourhood in Madrid, one of the most expensive places to live in Europe who took to the streets en masse in protest against the present day government. Presumably the same people who moaned and whinged that said government fucked up by not locking the country down sooner. Go Team, Go!
Los Premios Darwin saludan la mejora del genoma humano al honrar a aquellos que accidentalmente o tal vez en este caso voluntariamente se retiran de manera espectacular, tiene que ir a los residentes del barrio de Salamanca en Madrid, uno de los lugares más caros para vivir en Europa que salió a las calles en masa en protesta contra el gobierno actual. Presumiblemente las mismas personas que gimieron y se quejaron que dicho gobierno por haber fastidiado al no poner en cuarantena el país antes. ¡Vamos equipo vamos!

Sorry to be so grim but let's hope for a vaccine as soon as possible. In the meantime we will have to learn to live with this until we die of something else. There is no guarantee a vaccine will be found. The only positive side to this is that now no conspiracy theorist can tell you that we are all going to be vaccinated with a microchip hidden in the vaccine. 

WHAT HAS THE TORTOISE TAUGHT US?

This post is very much late in the day because I have been busy working trying to keep things afloat, the country included and I haven't had time to write about the porn star and the toad that killed a man who inhaled its venom or the sighting of a Nile crocodile in the rio Pisuerga. Anyway for now British politics....for the love of God! Spanish politics? Jesus wept! So how are the Dutch doing? Surely they are the sensible ones? The pragmatic go to people. Everytime BBC radio does a series on teenage pregnancy, drugs and so on they are often heard saying, 'now let's go over to the Netherlands and see how they do things'. Well, you may be aware that the Prime Minister there is centre right, well kind of, and a while back one of his members, Geert Wilders felt, like so many other politicians who are afraid of hard work, to set up his own party, some kind of offshoot party, you know, those parties that exist all over the place, let's call them all the, 'Beats Work Party'. Then there is the Party for Animals. This party seems to only be interested in animals, nothing else really. Also you have a party for the over 50s, called, guess what, the Over 50s Party. The woman from the Animal Party got a bit bored and said why not trees?' or something like that and left. The guy from the over 50s party left because thanks to some demented old guy who joined and the whole thing fell apart. If you think banjo player in Deliverance you might forgive me for calling the old guy a senile, inbred, Trump loving racist. ....and somehow these two have hooked up to form the Well What?Party. Then you have a party called Denk, or Think, which I think came about in response to your man Wilders. I'm not sure if it is a party, more of a movement of sorts. They don't have a leader at the moment because their leader was expelled for, well fuck knows, what do you want me to do, I'm not here to do your feckin' research! Anyway, in an attempt to be productive and join in with the 'better than work' ethos of most politicians, I have proposed a new party. The Party for Animals Over 50 Party. There are quite a few. Gorillas, elephants, me.... The reasoning for this party is because in the end you will get more sense out of a feckin' tortoise. 

My eyesight is going. There was a woman on the BBC chatting and I thought it was Katy Hopkins. I thought that she seemed nice for a change and that maybe she had had a Damascene moment. I squinted and saw that it was Emma Thompson.

Would love to know what people think of my blog!!!!!! Don't be shy!! 

AN HOMAGE TO PETE AND DUD

I'm compiling a book. It's feckin' biblical. It's not the Book of Esther or the book of Enoch. It's called the Book of C#nts. It is subject to change. In first position is Donald Trump. For obvious reasons. If you need an explanation then you are possibly a c#unt yourself. Number two is the president of China. For thinking it is OK to have a million people in concentration camps. Bit too like Hitler, the cunt's cunt. So definitely a c#nt. Third place goes to joggers who go out jogging and don't give a shit if you get into their slipstream of sweat and bad breath. Cunts. I'm beginning to think most people are c#nts in my book. Fourth place goes to Piers Morgan. Why is he a c#nt? He just is. Doesn't matter what he says. You can agree or disagree with him but he is still a c#nt. At this point you are probably thinking 'where are the women?' Ok, then fifth place goes to someone called Katy Hopkins. I actually feel a bit sorry for her but, still a c#nt. Boris Johnson? More of a dickhead. Bit of a prick. In all likelihood more of a c#nt in real life but tries to sell the oafishness too much just to distract everyone from thinking he is a c#nt so not sure where he fits into the grand scheme of c#nts. Too many people like him and they are all c#nts too. I could have called the book the Book of Dickheads but that would seem too lame, and time consuming. Sixth place I guess should go to Brazil's president Bolsonaro. For being a leading c#nt that when asked about the deaths of his fellow citizens remarked, 'what do you want me to do?' Possible psychopath to boot. Seventh? Well, let's see. Have you an hour to spare? Personally it has to be the leader of the Spanish far right whose name is banned in our house as no bad vibes must be emitted in the family home. He is neck and neck with his fellow c#nts of which there are many. People who could never win a talent show so decided to go into politics and do something extreme in order to keep them in the public eye, earn a living or truly encourage a war between their fellow citizens. These people would be number one c#nt but they just join the ranks of other c#nts whose names we hopefully won't remember in a few years time once they are past their sell by date. They include people on the left and right of politics and gobshites... George Galloway, Amjun Choudray, Ed Balls, Nigel Farage, Geert Wilders, Matteo Salvini, Ken Livingstone, and so on. I could go on forever.......

Nota Bene..I am done with the lot of them. They can all fuck off.

Today is my birthday and it is also the day that the Spanish government has said it is OK to go for a walk or do exercise at certain times and under certain circumstances. You can walk within one kilometre from your home. If you want to do exercise you can go alone and so long as you keep within your municipality you can go as far as you like. I have had a look at the map and have figured out that I could run towards the foothills to a village called Apies except I don't run. I would only run if it was to get away from someone. As in rule number one. Leg it if need be. Why don't I like running? I realise it is because I went to a school that was pretty much run by sadists as I am guessing most English schools were in the 70s. Our school was a mad mixture of sadists and LSD dealing hippy types and that was just the teachers. The brutes were mainly the PE teachers. Evil bastards both the men and the women. I'm trying to remember their names, Mr Weller was one. Then there was Mr Carruthers who was eventually sacked. Not for snogging a twelve year old girl at the end of year school party. Not for positioning his cock on the table every time he had to be substitute teacher for maths. No it was for smashing a kid's head onto a table in a furious rage. Evil. Don't get me started on the girl's PE teacher. Her name I can't remember. I wonder why. It was something like Miss Turnbill or Miss Hornbill. What she did was abusive and can not be repeated here. When we were growing up we thought we were modern, contemporary. When we spoke to our parents and grandparents we would wonder, 'how did you live like that?' Such poverty and cruelty then. Now I realise I have entered an age where my tales must sound horrific to young people. May we enter a new age where we can still improve everything. This world is so much better than before and yet I still think we have a lot of work to do. Here's to the next 54 years, and may they be an improvement in all areas!

There are days when I just want to lie on my bed and weep for humanity. It's always been like this. For a while when I was about three I used to get up at the crack of dawn when my dad was on his way to work and just sit up for a bit. The radio would be on and one day my mum caught me silently crying. She asked me what was wrong and I looked up at her and between sobs I said,  'it's this song. It's so sad!'. The song was Amazing Grace and I'm guessing it was the version sung by Judy Collins. 



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtteRD5bBNQ