Friday, 3 April 2020


You think you know someone ( husband) and then you find out they were once the stand in for a knife thrower's assistant, you know, a human target. On  the wheel of death if you please!

Wednesday, 1 April 2020

I slept better last night for a change and the dreams were less, well what exactly? Erratic? Whimsical? I dreamt I saw the Spanish army carrying guns and on seeing my worried, volatile expression one of the soldiers said that they weren't there to shoot us but were there to stop us shooting one another. There were some other soldiers, four of them and they were sitting in a Ford Capri. Even in the dream I was thinking 'of course they're sitting in a Capri, this is a dream they can do what the hell they want'. Next to the Capri was a girl, a familiar girl, someone I have met thousands of times, a person I have known over the years. A mix of everyone you have ever met and liked but weren't able to stay friends with cos your paths went different ways, a funny girl, the girl that turned every awful job or situation into a laugh. I got close to the girl and I realised it was me. I left her while I went off to take some photos of the past. I was sitting outside the Spanish cafe as it was known in Old Compton Street trying to take a photo of some people but I didn't want to ruin their moment. They were doing nothing special just laughing and being friends. One came over and asked why I was taking the photo and I told them that one day we all would be nothing but there would be at least one photo that someone would come across, in a box, in a junk shop or a gallery and other people would wonder about the story behind the photo.
Regarding the dream in the daytime and especially the Capri bit I suddenly recalled a moment that really happened while walking home with my friends Derek, John and Will. We had been to some kind of promotional a party I think near Highbury Fields and we were walking home when one of us noticed we were being kerb crawled by the police.  They drove by slowly and we looked at them expecting them to say something when we  saw that one of them had a police dog, a German Shepherd, sitting on his lap and the dog was wearing the policeman's hat. So don't wonder or worry about my dreams. People are weirder in so called real life.

Sunday, 29 March 2020

I had another dream that I was with the actor Oliver Reed. I am not sure what we were up to but he was sobre and quite charming but I got the feeling he might kick off at any moment. He seemed quite humane and chatty but also philosophical. I hope he is not my spirit animal. 


WARNING. IF YOU ARE OF A SENSITIVE NATURE YOU'D BETTER LOOK AWAY. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT I AINT NORMAL and am having more weird dreams. I have had them before but they are getting more intense. I am asleep but aware of beings around me. They are not bad just a bit strange. I can't quite identify them. Sometimes they appear to tuck me in. I can feel them. Physically and spiritually. Ocassionally one of them gets a bit over zealous and wants me to join them. I put up a fight. It takes all my strength to plead with this one to tell them to leave me alone. I feel I am being wrenched fom my body before my time. At the same time it would be very easy to go but I feel I am not quiet ready yet and find myself calling out for earthly help. It really is quiet anoying and draining. I wish they would just fuck off and leave me be. 
I am reminiscing. One of our first dates many moons ago. When we were young. We went to Presto, an Italian pasta place in Soho London. It's no longer there and I have no photos but believe me it was one of those wonderful cheap eatery places in London similar to the Polo Bar in Old Compton Street, and many other Italian cafes and restaurants, 'a peculiarly British tradition', according to the writer Joseph Conrad. All formica tabletops and affordable grub with that orange hue that threatens to come back in fashion, you watch. Mr van de Ven was in love and to tell me in that moment of awkwardness he said he thought I was very pretty. Instead of accepting the compliment I asked, 'so you are saying I'm ugly'. He was confused and later told me that he really thought I was pretty but my warped sense of incomprehension and lack of indulgence made him love me even more.
I write for myself. I take photos for myself. I'm quite selfish like that. It amazes me people are even remotely interested in what I say or see!! 

Friday, 27 March 2020


It's been almost two weeks we have been in quaranteen in Spain. We can't go to the parks like people can in the UK and we are all finding this difficult here. We can go to the shop but just for essentials. It's not a good thing to go every day and is discouraged. I finally have my classes up and running and although there are some glitches I feel better about this life change now. It was very difficult being thrown into this but I am grateful I can keep on working although I would have no problem adjusting and taking on a job in a supermarket or cleaning or whatever I would have to do to get by. I don't mind doing a job that doesn't pay so long as they feed me and let me sleep somewhere warm!