Tory Party Chorus. 'We're not racist, immigrant bashing xenophobes! Just look at the medley of dickheads we've got in our cabinet right now!'

There she blows. Priti Patel. The unlovable lummox. 

ALWAYS JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER

I don't have to like Priti Patel. Not liking her doesn't mean I am a woke lefty, whatever that is. I just don't like her because she comes across as a right 'orrible cow. In the interest of equality she thinks I am one of the worst idlers in the world. Only interested in football and pop music. 

I never wanted a Mr Darcy. I wanted a Charles Bukowski. Well, actually, maybe something in between..

Freudian Slips

Freud is quoted as saying the Irish are impervious to psychoanalisis but there is no record that he said this, just as there is no record of me saying 'a Porsche wouldn't go amiss', when Freud asked 'what is it that women want?'

LIBERTY BELLS RINGING

I keep getting targeted by something called Liberty con, a so called libertarian group focused on economics who are hosting a conference or grooming seminar in Madrid. I think they need to sort out their algorithms or whatever it is they use to try to get my interest as this awayday is about as much use as the Royal Ulster Defence bath towel someone keeps trying to flog me. I suppose it is important to know what is going on in their minds as they certainly don't know what is going on in mine. I shall be sending them a chocolate euro and a note to keep up the good work.

If in doubt I am reminded of the family motto. Per operculum semper iudicatur liber. Always judge a book by its cover. Suffice to say, Dominic Cummings looks like a right interfering, miserable bastard.

I TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS...

In another point in time and space I found myself in a band playing bass guitar. I don't know how to play the guitar and I had to somehow hoodwink everyone into thinking I was a professional. I started fretting that I was going to be found out but during rehearsals I discovered I could just pretend to play a couple of chords. The band was a bit shouty so I guessed no one would notice my existence but then quite a lot was running on me as the band was being advertised as a symbol of diversity and I was the one touted as the one not representative of any  type, group or class. Just before we were to go on an assistant started to attach an apparatus to hold a flute to my head which I was unable to play as well. Then the manager came across to me and asked if I could sing. I told him I couldn't and that I had more than enough to bluff my way through a set to which he said 'surely you must know some Beatles' songs?' and to demonstrate I started to sing 'what would you do if I sang out of tune.......'.

I love going into my study. It's full of books and memories in the form of diaries and photos. Boxes full of mad ramblings, poems and so on. Some people say they will leave their bodies to medical science but I will probably leave that room instead. Just now I went in there and came out with a piece of paper torn out of a diary with the words '..outside the Coach and Horses Paul said I was a Godlike genius..'

La Troublemaker

Soon I will no longer be the president of our community and the muggins who has to sort out all the shite that goes on in our midst. I was hoping to get impeached so someone else could do it but fat chance. Last week I was on the blower to the police because our neighbours, AKA Los Oompa Loompas, thought it would be hysterical to start operating a saw mill at 6.30 in the morning. The police arrived about five minutes after I rang and there I was, hanging out of the kitchen window telling them that the Oompa Loompas were up to their latest antics, cutting into sheets of metal. God knows what they were making but they shut up when they saw the police and the matriarch hung off her balcony trying to bend reality at her will, informing the police that nothing was going on and that I was, and I quote, 'problematica'. I think this is what psychologists call 'projecting' but I didn't rise to it. I just asked the police if I had the aspect of a person who has nothing better to do on a Sunday morning and they agreed that I didn't look like the type, and yes, I was the only one with the cojones to call as they noticed others peeping from behind their shutters. They were quite polite but did that weird thing of going up and down on the balls of their feet which was kind of jarring especially as I had said the word bollocks around the same time. 

I could never do stand up comedy. I'm much funnier in real life. This would be a hard act to follow!