That old joke about having a dart board with someone's face on it at home. You go round someone else's house and sure enough they have got your face on a fucking dartboard. With hundreds of holes in it. The English version of voodoo.

I was in a shop and the sign outside fell over. The shop keeper stopped serving the boy in front of me and went outside to pick the sign up. Frutas y verduras, fruits and vegetables. The boy kept buying sweets, asking the owner what could he buy for eighty, forty centimes, until he had used up all his money. He went outside the shop to be with his friends and the owner said to me 'son malos', 'they are no good, bad boys'. I didn't know if it was true or if he was just saying it because they were gypsies. I dared not speak in case the owner detected an accent and told the next person that came in the shop something negative about me. I imagined that after me a succession of undesirables would come in spend their money and wind him up for the rest of the day. 

Feel free to comment......

When I was younger, oh so much younger than today, I used to lie about my age to get into nightclubs. I had to plaster my face with make up, put on a deep voice and swear I was twenty five when I was just a nipper of fourteen, or was it sixteen? Anyway, this lying about being older continued for years and people started saying how great I looked for a 50 year old nightclubber when I was 40 and so on. The only downside to this is the continuous adverts on my Facebook feed for stair lifts, funeral plans and hideous shoes!

One of my many responsibilities as President of our community is to change light bulbs when they have gone. There is a strip light in the garage which went quite a while ago and as I don't have a ladder high enough I have left this task hoping no one will mind but I do get the sense that it won't be long till one of the neighbours asks me, 'how many of you does it take to change that feckin thing?'

I'm so happy nobody is living next door to us at the moment. Why is that? You may ask. Well the last neighbours wouldn't reply when I said hello to them and the one before was a prostitute who was very nice to me but I didn't think much of some of her gentleman callers, and the one before that was a borracho de mierda, a shitty drunk who made everyone's life a misery. And I'm the anti social one!

I wish I had been sent to Eton. Then my parents could ask for their money back as no amount of private education could help the unruly gobshite that I am. Then we could put all the money on the Letwin Amendment and the ensuing bullshit that will follow. This time next year we will be billionaires!

Europe calling. Everyone's favourite Citizen Smith of Nowhere here. It's weird being disenfranchised. The only upside I can find is that I am not responsible for Brexit, the Tories, Labour, Vox or Catalan separatism to name a few. Who else? Have you got an hour to spare? The downside is being told 'you don't live here what's it got to do with you?' and 'you are not from here what's it got to do with you?'  For once I will take the advice and shut the fuck up. One day I might be forgiven for giving a shit. 

I wish I believed in the flat earthers. Then I would have Trump walk to the ends of the earth and watch him fall off.

MORE OF THE SAME BULLSHIT

It's a weird feeling, being disenfranchised. The only upside I can think of is I will never be held responsible in any way for Brexit or Vox.

BREXIT BULLSHIT

Spain calling. Everyone's favourite shock absorber here. Fancy hedging your bets? Go down the bookies? If I had gone to Eton I would be doing the former but no, its Ladbrokes for me. Britain is not leaving the EU. Again. Brace yourself for years and years and years of this bullshit. Feel free to comment. I cant be bothered. Besides, I've got the plumber coming round.

BROKEN BREXIT BRITAIN BREEDS BUFFOONS

Britain is not leaving the EU on the 31st of October without a deal. Not for the want of trying! Yet brace yourself for years and years of negotiations. This does not go away on the 1st of November and anyone who thinks it will simply doesn't understand how the world works.

Britain is in desperate need of having its collective head examined....

Spain is a dangerous place. I tried to get home from work safely but bumped into friends and, well, you might as well say that the weekend starts here, on a Tuesday......