Most of us have been there. That awful situation when you are the focus of attention and around you are people expecting you to explain stuff or worse, entertain them. For me, the most regrettable was a fine, sunny day when I was expected to read stories to small children that I imagined would be ushered into some small library or classroom. It was in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere but was unfortunately for me, equipped with a loudspeaker that announced the daily activities and recent passing of old folk over said PA system. I wasn't put off until the organiser told me that no, we wouldn't be doing the stories in the local library but in the 'cinema'. It was inconceivable to me that such a remote place could have a cinema but I was starting to get that sick feeling once we entered and I realised it could hold around a 1,000 people. And hold it did. It soon became obvious the whole village wanted to come and possibly the surrounding villages, and the villages that surrounded them. In they poured, a never ending herd of folk of all ages. There weren't enough seats so some people had to stand and people in wheelchairs were being positioned right in front of the stage. It was incredible. A screen was provided and someone ran off to get me a microphone. Don't ask me how I did it but somehow I bluffed my way through the escapades of Winnie the Witch and her cat Wilbur. I even turned part of it into a musical, getting kids to leap around and act the goat, anything to take the limelight off me. Nobody appeared to understand a word I was saying so I just started to make shit up as I went along, if only to humour myself. There was a gang of teenagers hurling abuse and bits of food. It was hilarious but I was hoping that over the village tannoy they were declaring I had died on stage. Once it had finished I was so relieved but then the organiser said there would be a second shift half an hour later. It was interminable but an excellent example of subterfuge not seen until yesterday when my nemesis Donald Trump upstaged me while talking shite again.