When the Tories told Boris Johnson he was going to be Prime Minister and he said, ''I am not sure, I don't think I'm up to it'', in that modest way of his, they then said, ''don't be ridiculous! A five year old could do it. That's why we thought of you!''

The state of it! Who? Boris 'The Cock' Johnson that's who. PM of the UK. Where? Photo in El Pais of him in a face mask that looks like he took it off to wipe his mouth clean of food and put it back on again. A feckin' disgrace! A man who looks like he wipes his arse with his towel. A man who needs to be told when to change his underwear. Gives true meaning to the expressions 'swivel eyed loon' and 'Turnip Taliban'. Words out that he had to be blocked in his office with chairs like a puppy or a toddler when he had Covid so when he bulldozed his way through, without said mask on may I add, staff could hear him, so had full warning he was on his way. How anyone in their right mind thought this guy could ever realistically be a PM only confirms how empty headed, celebrity obsessed and gullible folk can be. Except his family, his colleagues and so on. They all knew but did nothing to stop him and they complain when youngsters run off to join cults! A grown man, unhinged and proud of it left to run the country and during a pandemic. Well done the lot of you I say. Keep up the good work. Who next? Rishi Sunak? Liz Truss probably. They will put a woman in and sell the idea that it is always a woman who has to clean up the mess. Six months down the line it will be the same but without the alcohol. I could go on but am just getting over my third vaccine and I can just about stomach the news these days. Sack the bleedin' lot of 'em!!

Here he is....

https://elpais.com/internacional/2022-01-16/los-escandalos-de-johnson-y-de-la-familia-real-hunden-al-reino-unido-en-una-crisis-institucional.html

DINNER PARTIES FROM HELL PART ONE ...

That time I was sandwiched between Andy Murray and Nigel Farage, head to the left, then to the right, all under the beady eye of ball boy Novak Djocovic. 

It was a wet afternoon. One of those interminable rainy days. Water that finds its way into everything. The smell of damp woollen duffle coats and flannel uniforms. Mr Hosker the headmaster had important things on his mind. So did I. As we single filed along the corridor, I decided his name sounded like 'Hot Dog'. I was the kind of kid that could make anything sound familiar or have a loose connection and people would fall for it. Everyone agreed as I passed this new piece of information along the line and so ''Hot Dog'' he became.

Today he was waiting for us as we all filed into the assembly hall to attend what he called 'Forum'. It was called Forum he had told us because that's what the Romans did and because, well, when in Rome, the rest is history and all that. We had to meet every Friday afternoon after classes to find out what had been going on in our  school that week and what we might be planning for the future. In my impressionable mind I imagined gladiatoral matches, criminal trials, cavalcades and many acts of triumph but in the end it was always a mixture of highs and lows. What dreadful acts some pupils had committed. One boy had murdered a cat. He had kicked it to death and on hearing this I was never the same. I understood that there were people capable of doing unimaginable things. What heroic ones the others had managed. One day a girl showed us she could play the guitar and sing. This too blew me away. I had no idea our school had such talent.

''So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go'' . 

Apart from a hall the room doubled up as a gym. All the equipment, ropes, bars, climbing frames were somehow folded into the walls. Pommel horses, vaults and springboards were magically whisked away after every PE class. It was also the room where Miss Hugo the drama teacher would get us to act out our emotions to Holst's the Planets. It was quite a big ask thinking about it now. Asking a class of primary school kids to bring war, peace and jollity. Act out winged messengers and Neptune the Mystic in our gym knickers, white vests and black plimsolls. Quiet ahead of its time I suppose. 

All the same, Hot Dog informed us that day that we would no longer be allowed to bring umbrellas that possessed a pointed tip to school. Nobody knew why and many began to wonder if their umbrellas had said end on their brollies. You could see this by the worried looks and feeling of disquiet back and forth across the lines of children. Who, if any had brought one into the school? Was someone going to get into trouble?  I didn't have an umbrella, so I knew it wasn't me but it didn't stop me from acquiring a sense of consternation. I wouldn't have an umbrella until I was an adult. My unpretentious parents, particularly my father, saw an umbrella as a form of indulgence. We used to walk to school in the dark in the lashing wind and rain. An umbrella in my dad's mind wouldn't last five minutes and would just be more expense so we went without and never thought anymore of it. Anyway, back to the chilling tale our headmaster was about to tell us. There had been a girl he said. Not unlike a girl from our school. A simple, modest, unassuming girl. A little girl who had decided to take her mother's elegant umbrella to school one rainy day. That despite her humbleness had decided to show off. A day not unlike today he had said. Incessant, diluvial. The umbrella in question was beautiful. Violet with some kind of trim. A tassel of some sort. I began to suspect that this girl's mother was a Victorian woman but there was some contemporary feel to keep us rooted in the here and now. He detailed her journey to school. How she stopped off at the sweet shop on the way and had to close her umbrella, shake it just before entering the shop. Sticking it in the stand on her way in. Putting it up on leaving, pointing it to the heavens in a bouncy perky way. How it had briefly stopped raining and she was seen spinning it around. Twirling it like a drum majorette. On she went splashing around in the puddles full of the joys of spring as happy as she could be. He gave the impression the little girl was Gene Kelly in Singing in the Rain with no care in the world. When she arrived at the school there was a boy who wanted to borrow the bloody thing and play with it and twirl it around too. By now several hundred school children were transfixed and wondering where all this was going when the story took a turn. The boy had grabbed the umbrella and there had been a tussle. A fight over who would get possession. Toing and froing without making any progress.  Suddenly the boy had total control but then he had accidentally stumbled and managed to poke the sharp point into the girl's eye. It pierced her brain and killed her instantly. ''And that's why children, you must never, EVER, bring a pointy umbrella to school. Ever again. EVER''. 

A stunned school took a while to collect its thoughts and then after news of which teams had won the most points that week Hot Dog did what he always did. He took out a record player and placed it on the stage. Then he took out a record and played it while we did what we always did after Forum. This record signalled that we now filed or rather marched out, one by one, year by year till the older kids were the last to leave. What was the record? It was the Liberty Bell but we knew it as the theme tune to Monty Python's Flying Circus. This is how it was in those days. Sociopaths and Psychopaths. Next week Mr Carruthers the PE teacher and his funny degenerate ways. 

Some mothers do 'ave em..

It's difficult for some parents to get their kids to school. You hear them shouting ''hurry up! What are you  doing in there?'' Their kid shouts back ''I'm just combing my hair in the shape of a swan.'' Mum bursts in to find kid covered in daddie's hair gel or worse and has well what? What would you do in this situation? The Prime Minister Johnson's aides if he actually has any, must be caught in the same groundhog situation only with less creativity ...''hurry up PM what are you doing in there?''  ''Oh I'm just coming my hair in the shape of a haystack that's been sat on by my big bum''.  

I wouldnt be surprised if he does a Reggie Perrin....clothes on a beach to make it look like he has drowned. Didn't the Prime Minster of Australia do this? Johnson will be found years later, in Muscat. He will have changed his name by deed poll, had a sex change and died his hair orange. 

I heard that when Doris gets bored, which he often does, he goes and eats or has sex. They didnt say who or what with or if he does it alone. 

HAPPY NEW 'EAR!!

There is a proverb that if unfortunate incidents have occurred twice a third hapless event is likely to occur. You can perceive connections and meaningfulness in unrelated things which can get you accused of being paranoid or having a vivid imagination. It all started with the new neighbour who could, according to another saying, ''chew your ear off''. This person can talk for hours about fuck all. I mean nothing. Nothing at all. How she took her socks off, how she put them back on again, the chicken she ate and all interrupted by 'you know what I mean'. Yes, we know what you mean. You have been telling us for hours sings a chorus of a beleagured community. It is astonishing and something to behold and one day I will film her so that you can all vote for her in the upcoming, ''dickhead of the year award''. Anyway, the other thing is I found out that during the early hours of Christmas morning some clever dick got into a fight and bit another bloke's ear off. I nearly got dick, bloke and apostrophes mixed up but that's me, obsessed. I saw the photo of said lughole in the local rag and nearly threw up. There it was, the ear, lying next to the bins. This all happened in Our Lady of Salas square which gave it a religious flavour. The report had some tasty morsels in the way of local journalism too. How the local and national police took charge of the ear and delivered it to the local hospital San Jorge so it could be 'reimplanted'. Apparently the offender had run off in the direction of Argensolas street and had been quickly detained. The police said they knew him immediately as he had 'form'. Twelve. Robbery, injuries, extortion and theft for starters. The victim claimed the villain of the piece had been threatening him all afternoon and night and while this was being recorded the madman, who was by now in ''a great state of agitation and aggressiveness'',  had to be shackled ''with the minimum of force'' to avoid endangering the integrity of the police and that of the accused himself. What about the third departure from the normal? Well, I went for one of many vaccines yesterday and the nurse who might as well have been called Ratchett shouted at me in a very unbefitting manner. Totally uncalled for. Accusing me of sitting, 'really far away''. I was within the two metre exclusion zone and I was the only person in the surgery apart from her and another nurse so I shouted back in an exaggerated fashion, ''sorry love, I can't hear you!! Can you speak up a bit, I'm a bit hard of hearing!!''. Her mate, the other one, then said something about my foot. All I heard was 'pie', 'foot', but she was shouting 'de pie', 'stand up', as opposed to sit down which is what I was doing. Up down. Down up. Mask on. Mask off. Up the ladder. Down the ladder. Up the ladder again. I'm feckin' exhausted by it all. And so you see Officer, instead of a punchline I came to the decision that 2022 will be the year of no longer supporting the dull and ignorant.  I shall be directing my talents to those more appreciative!! Watch this space....Happy New 'Ear!!!!

Today is our happy wedding anniversary. Eighteen years married. 23 years together. Sometimes it has been like a white knuckle ride with us both strong willed, candid and uniquely nuts but the one connecting thing has always been love and admiration. Hoping it remains that way. Cheers!