HAPPY NEW 'EAR!!

There is a proverb that if unfortunate incidents have occurred twice a third hapless event is likely to occur. You can perceive connections and meaningfulness in unrelated things which can get you accused of being paranoid or having a vivid imagination. It all started with the new neighbour who could, according to another saying, ''chew your ear off''. This person can talk for hours about fuck all. I mean nothing. Nothing at all. How she took her socks off, how she put them back on again, the chicken she ate and all interrupted by 'you know what I mean'. Yes, we know what you mean. You have been telling us for hours sings a chorus of a beleagured community. It is astonishing and something to behold and one day I will film her so that you can all vote for her in the upcoming, ''dickhead of the year award''. Anyway, the other thing is I found out that during the early hours of Christmas morning some clever dick got into a fight and bit another bloke's ear off. I nearly got dick, bloke and apostrophes mixed up but that's me, obsessed. I saw the photo of said lughole in the local rag and nearly threw up. There it was, the ear, lying next to the bins. This all happened in Our Lady of Salas square which gave it a religious flavour. The report had some tasty morsels in the way of local journalism too. How the local and national police took charge of the ear and delivered it to the local hospital San Jorge so it could be 'reimplanted'. Apparently the offender had run off in the direction of Argensolas street and had been quickly detained. The police said they knew him immediately as he had 'form'. Twelve. Robbery, injuries, extortion and theft for starters. The victim claimed the villain of the piece had been threatening him all afternoon and night and while this was being recorded the madman, who was by now in ''a great state of agitation and aggressiveness'',  had to be shackled ''with the minimum of force'' to avoid endangering the integrity of the police and that of the accused himself. What about the third departure from the normal? Well, I went for one of many vaccines yesterday and the nurse who might as well have been called Ratchett shouted at me in a very unbefitting manner. Totally uncalled for. Accusing me of sitting, 'really far away''. I was within the two metre exclusion zone and I was the only person in the surgery apart from her and another nurse so I shouted back in an exaggerated fashion, ''sorry love, I can't hear you!! Can you speak up a bit, I'm a bit hard of hearing!!''. Her mate, the other one, then said something about my foot. All I heard was 'pie', 'foot', but she was shouting 'de pie', 'stand up', as opposed to sit down which is what I was doing. Up down. Down up. Mask on. Mask off. Up the ladder. Down the ladder. Up the ladder again. I'm feckin' exhausted by it all. And so you see Officer, instead of a punchline I came to the decision that 2022 will be the year of no longer supporting the dull and ignorant.  I shall be directing my talents to those more appreciative!! Watch this space....Happy New 'Ear!!!!