Is there no end to the swearing! Some older students had to write a report on a job they had done. As most of them had never worked before they had to put some imagination into it. One boy whose handwriting leaves a lot to be desired had managed to make the word 'worker' (on account of the letter o appearing to be an a and a tendency to loop the letter r into an n ) read as 'wanker'. It got worse when I realised he was doing the same with the word' working', so there were sentences that read 'last year I was wanking in a restaurant with some other wankers', and 'if you want to wank, I would recommend you get a summer job wanking in a kitchen, you will learn lots of skills and meet other wankers who will become your friends.'

I have something in common with Donald Trump. I also suffer from Bathmophobia. A fear of stairs and slopes and falling down and breaking my brass neck.

A while ago some Spanish kids, about five years old were busy being creative, making some lovely craft for mother's day when suddenly one of them said 'what the fuck'. I decided I had imagined it, as I do with most things, when he said it again. Now I had to decide whether to say something or try not to draw attention when another kid said to me 'he's just said 'what the fuck' and what the fuck is a swear word in English and we are not supposed to saw swear words are we?' I told them that we mustn't say swear words as it is vulgar and uncouth and they all agreed and said they wouldn't say these words again. A few weeks ago one of the kids said 'Oh my God' to which another said 'you just said a swear word in English, Oh my God is a swear word and we are not allowed to say swear words'. Then another decided to chip in and said, 'Oh my God is not a swear word but what the fuck is'. I managed to get the situation under control, sealed the perimeter and all that but what the blue blazes? Where do they get these ideas?

Pablo Gargallo was a Spanish painter and sculptor and there is a museum in Zaragoza which is home to some of his great bronze sculptures. In one of the rooms you can watch a short video on the history of the building which is now the museum and there is a description of the removal of a beautiful tower which once stood next to the museum. It translates as, 'a gaping wound of emptiness and shame' which just made me think of Brexit and then Jacob Reese Mogg and then life and how to approach it. A few days later while having a book called the Autobiography of a Yogi read aloud to me I heard the words ' a cosmic empire of endless bliss', which helped to balance things out a bit. And so it was in that moment I felt the need to set up some kind of club or political group or gang called the Comic Empire of Endless Laughter. Watch this space.

Someone asked me recently what my spirit animal was and all I can come up with is Eric Cantona. 

The difference between me and James Delingpole is I can't make a living out of being a dickhead.

Unsent letters. 

Dearest,

I bought you flowers but they looked so lovely I kept them for me. I guess chocolates are out of the question, what with your fear of boxes.