YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS!

Britain finally becomes a banana republic. A politically unstable country whose economy is dependent upon the export of a limited-resource product, which in this case is comedy!

How often do you lie? Most of the time I convince myself I never lie because I have a problem where I really need to go into the detail of events and make sure nothing went amiss. I tell yours truly that I am accurate and honest simply because I want everyone to know exactly what happened and there is often no point in lying. The truth is more surreal. Yet there are moments when I decide telling porkies is the only way to stop me going mad or from being bored. I lie to strangers. Usually at bus stops. I tell them I have children, chickens, religious beliefs... My favourite lie was telling some American tourists the Changing of the Guard was a public execution and I always tell Dutch tourists that the First Communion they are witnessing are child marriages. I'm only truthful with friends and family. They usually hate it, depending who is on the recieving end. Well, anyway, on account of the virus I needed to fill out a form online to sign on. It looked pretty easy but I should have known there would be some ambiguity or inadequacy. These things are not designed to go smoothly. I couldn't proceed unless I wrote in the expiry date of my time left on this planet or something like that. So I lied. I told them I will be here for the next 100 years. A woman rang and I explained the hole I had dug myself into, or rather would be buried in a century, and she told me not to worry about it. That these things happen all the time. I agreed and said we should leave it as an observation. I am sure the authorities will monitor it. Onwards and upwards!

TAKES JUAN TO KNOW JUAN

Don't know if you've heard but the King of Spain's dad, the ex King of Spain, Juan Carlos is leaving Spain and going into some kind of self imposed exile. Rumour was he was going to the Dominican Republic but I find that hard to believe. Why is he going? Well, have you got another hour to spare or have you heard of Google? Anyway, the bit I'm getting at is the interviews I saw on the BBC World earlier. Several Spanish people were stopped in the street and asked what they think of the whole affair(s). There was a wide range of opinion including those who might like to see the whole royal family beheaded, angry people critical of  his unacceptable behaviour, others wondering why he has to leave and maybe he should serve his time in Spain a bit like his son-in-law, another social liability. However, my favourite was the older woman who seemed to think that he had also done a lot of good for the country, but on the other hand a lot of bad. Yes, it's not like he murdered anyone is it? Oh that's right, I forgot. he shot and killed his own brother. 

You don't want to wear a mask? Fine. Don't wear it. But don't expect me to teach you. Or come near you without a mask until I can have a vaccine. Don't worry anti-vaxers. I will be first in the queue! Having said this I will meet you for a coffee and a 'tertulia', a wonderful conversation over coffee or a beer or vermouth. If you want,  go ahead and mix with dozens of other people who may or may not have the Coronavirus and may or may not catch it and may or may not pass it on to your elderly relations who may or may not die a horrible death away from their loved ones. Just keep away from me for now. For this moment I do not want play some kind of weird Russian Roulette, with my or my husband's health. You do your thing, I will do mine. See you in about two years.........oh, by the way, P.S. we were supposed to be in San Sebastian right now, celebrating husband's big birthday. Well, that 'aint going to happen but we are quite happy to stay in the so called 'hotspot' of Spain that the British and German and Belgian authorities advise everyone to stay away from...well stay away!! Fuck off and don't come then. Who needs you!! Go to Shagaluf, Magaluf. Maybe Spain needs to rethink its image and not be the fecking bar of Europe for the northern Calvinists. Who knows. 

Continental Europe calling.....there seems to have been some kind of competition in the barrio lately. The who can make the most noise challenge. Being stuck indoors during a pandemic and a potential heatwave has gone to our heads and no one seems to give a toss. Next door as you know love to play the same shite over and over again with a cow bell chucked in for good measure. The guy in 1D plays Cuban music, tangos and great blues so I am happy with him except when Mr van de Ven decides it is too noisy and starts banging the wall with his ladle and chopping board screaming ''shut the fuck up'' in Spanish, ''Os podeis callar de una puta vez!'' which I must admit adds to the rhythm of life but anyway. Then there has been the mysterious obscure drums that seem to be coming from the Jai Alai, a kind of disused, thanks to the Covid, music venue where someone insists on playing the djembe drum. I quite like it. For the first two hours. Then I go into a trance. Upstairs lives a rapper and then there is the neighbour at the back who likes to run the engine on his Harley for about ten minutes just because he can I suppose. He once dropped his keys outside and I was tempted to nick the Harley and ride it off very far away, leave it there and get a cab home. The runners up are the boy racers who insist on driving round in circles all night in their 1980s clapped out jalopies blaring out techno. In a ''can't beat 'em, join 'em'' moment I decided to channel the spirit of Fela Kuti but then had a change of heart. From today I shall be playing Ken Dodd's ''Happiness'' on a loop. Tomorrow? Who knows. Maybe Pinky and Perky's How Much is that Doggie in the Window....

My ancestors were always walking away or running. I guess I thought I would keep it up......

Permission to chip in. David Starkey. Or as I thought, Jack Whitehall's dad. Who? Exactly. And what about the young guy who sat there making a crust from just nodding, in supposed agreement? Is he not experienced, or perhaps sadly, for one so young, just doesn't care enough to pull the bigot up on his prejudiced, dumb-ass, unscholarly views.

Why doesn't the UK television just host something called ''Britain's Got Racist Talent''. ( In the interests of equality why not go further...the sky's the limit, could have one week Britain's Got Xenophobic/Anti-Semitic/Anti-Muslim/ Anti-Women Talent.) They could all be there. Katy Hopkins, Tommy Robinson, Prof Starkey, Farage, the Daily Mail, and all the other awkward bastards ( have you got an hour to spare..) who think making money from being an intolerant, jingoistic, racist, immigrant bashing, pig ignorant, uncool prick beats working for a living. Then there could be a programme for the winners called I Am A Racist Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, and we, the rest of us, the vast majority, the general populace who I still believe is good and kind and more than fed up with watching this bullshit can vote to throw them in the Pit of Tarturus or better still, why not an inactive volcano. Anything, anything to leave us in peace to be good and kind and funny and helpful. In case of doubt, there could be a kind of Eurovision version. Chuck in the far right from Spain, Italy and Germany too or perhaps there will be no time as they all seem to be doing a great job of self immolation. Forever the martyr the lot of them, let them go to their own hell.