I NEED A VACATION!

Visiting my family in Britain has left me a bit of a wreck as it has been what is slowly becoming the annual holiday in an 'immense lunatic asylum' ( Check out Louis de Bernieres). On my last day there was a woman in the local Co-Op threatening not to pay as she was frightened her money was going to bite her. Later there was a mix-up with the post I was trying to send back to Spain and I think the stamp has been stuck on the sender's address side of the envelope as I was only charged two quid which I didn't question at the time on account of a man behind me roaring at everyone 'whatever you do, don't lost it!!' So I can expect the post to go back to where it came from which should be a laugh as my parents live in one of those places George Mikes describes in his wonderful How to be an Alien. Chapter One, How to Plan a Town. 'Make sure nobody can find the houses.......put all the streets with the same name in the same part of town'. To give an idea to what I am on about my parents live in a place that could be loosely named 2, Riverside Cottage, Seaview, but this is two doors down from another property called 2, Riverside, The Laurels, which shares its neighbours 2, Riverside House, Residential Home for the Elderly, Room 2 which is opposite Flat 2b, Riversdie, off Riverside Close. My package could be languishing in any of them.

Last night I found out Noel Gallagher charges 60 smackers to see him play. I can think of better things to do and cheaper like visit the incorrupt foot of Saint Teresa which  has winged or rather footed its way to Huesca where it will be displayed in the Convent of Barefoot Carmelites, resting presumably on route to Rome. I think the opportunity might have been missed as you could only venerate it at 6.30 during the mass which like the bus in Spain, always runs on time.

I leave you with a neat little number to get you through the day!