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Monday, 12 April 2010

TITLED

Henderson said I shouldn't write about the badlands of home in case it gave our Spanish cousins ideas. That was just before I read that some arsehole round the back in Avenida Danzantes, Morris Dancing Avenue, had gone along with a screwdriver scraping everyone's car in the early hours and was found by the police sitting in someone else's van brandishing tools after a neighbour called to alert them. I guess it's this or Coronation Street.

On Saturday I went with a friend, Puig, to Zaragoza and she was lamenting the lack of signs and directions on Spanish motorways and streets. She claimed she never got lost in England. We were trying to find the IKEA after I told her of my last attempt at shopping there. We followed signs for miles then there were none and it was a guessing game. We finally saw it which is not difficult as it looms out at you on the desert landscape and then we saw lots of big white arrows pointing every ten feet or so to what we could already see. The best bit was when went to another shopping centre and followed directions to get off at exit 321. I called out the exits 318, 319, 320 and of course 321 didn't appear so we dived off at 322. I managed to get most of the things I needed as I have decided I would rather fall to pieces in Swedish warehouses than shop from those bastards back in Huesca. The shop keepers there don't want anything bigger than Eroski because they fear it will put them out of business when what they still don't realise is everyone now goes to London or Zaragoza to do their shopping on account of not wanting to pay a fiver for a mug and for being treated like one.

In the Heraldo de Aragon newspaper they wrote a small article on Nick Clegg's wife who happens to be Spanish and how she isn't traipsing around after him like, and I quote, I believe from Newsnight, 'a soft toy with a pulse', or like the women in the 1950's who had to cook dinner for their husbands' boss. It didn't seem to mention that dragging their wives everywhere with them, the other two political lightweights I mean, is meant to grab the female vote. It also didn't mention that annoying trend of shortening people's names like Sam Cam, or Bo Jo or Go Bro. I was just drifting off after lunch when I heard a BBC reporter say 'The Labour Party have launched their manifesto, innit'. Later the BBC South reporter definitely said Fuckingham Palace and there was more outrage while I watched Country File the other day when John Craven said kite as in the bird and the word kike came up in the subtitles. But the best was when I heard someone say 'if you'd like to grill a candidate live on TV......'

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